I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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