just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
