Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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