your parents love me but you hate me
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
