So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
