Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
