best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You are the jesus of drinking
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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