Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
