So drunk, too bad you don't want this
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
