If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
