My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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