I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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