yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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