Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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