Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
