I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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