Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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