I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
