You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
