note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
