I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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