You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
