reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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