Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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