I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
she pinky promised me she was 18
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
