I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
