My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
thus making me awesome and them whores
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
