i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just threw up on my dentist
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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