"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
