i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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