He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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