He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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