Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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