I'm pants shitting drunk right now
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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