I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
