I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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