I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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