Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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