i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
