Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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