someone threw a dead crab at me
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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