the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
