theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
