I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
