My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
