just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
