So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
