did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
