They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize