I smell stomach acid.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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