then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
