I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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