weddingsv make me drug and hornr
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
