i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
