One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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