sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
