Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
