You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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