Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
