I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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