I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
