Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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