My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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